Dying to Know Day: death, dying and bereavement up for discussion in Nowra

Monday, August 8 is National Dying to Know Day and Community Death Specialist Victoria Spence will be bringing to life conversations about death, dying and bereavement. 

She will joined by Annette Tesoriero from Shoalhaven Health and Arts who will also share a film on the subject on Tuesday, August 9 from 6-9pm at Nowra Library.

Monday’s event will be held from 2pm to 4pm at the Community Gateway Centre. 

Contrary to popular belief, Ms Spence said people do want to talk about death but just don’t know how. 

“People often don’t have the space, time or context and death is a hard topic to bring up,” she said. 

“I’ve talked to people who have cared for someone who was very ill for years and knew they would die but not once did they feel they knew how to approach the conversation, even with something as simple as what song their loved one wanted for their funeral.”

“People spend years sometimes planning their wedding, anniversaries and celebrations and then funerals are planned in three days.” 

The Mortality Talking session will help people know how to approach the topic and provide tips on how to continue the conversation with friends and family. 

Ms Spence will share her years of experience as a civil funeral celebrant and grief counsellor, along with her own personal history. 

Her father died in her 20s and her mother joined him eight years later. With many of her friends also dying during the HIV/AIDs epidemic, Ms Spence spent more time than most 20-year-olds attending funerals. 

“When my father died I didn’t have a clue what we were doing, the funeral is all a blur and afterwards I remember thinking ‘is that it?’, she said. 

“When my mother died we were much better equipped and we had an entirely different funeral for her and I look back and think ‘we did a great job.’

“We’re all going to organise at least one funeral in our life and expertise is hard to come by –  you’re not just meant to know how to do it so we want to help people know how to initiate those conversations.”

It was those two vastly different experiences that inspired Ms Spence initially to train a celebrant and later complete a masters in death, dying and palliative care. 

Ms Spence stressed next week’s session won’t focus on people’s own deaths.

“Often when we bring up the subject of death people often think of their own and freak out,” she said. 

“I do understand. After I had my daughter I went to write an ethical will but I just couldn’t even bear the thought of not being there for her so it took me two years to write.

“We don’t have to talk about our own death but watching people we love die is something we all want to know how to do well to help them. People want to know that they’ve done the right thing for the people they love but often they just don’t know what that is.”

Dying To Know Day launched in 2013 and has seen 173 national events and has sparked thousands of conversations about death, dying and bereavement.

Ms Spence said those conversations are crucial to helping people deal with the physical and emotional impact of death. 

“What happens to people is the minute someone takes that final break, you also take in a breath to survive it,” she said.  

“There’s so much adrenaline and most people just gets hit by a runaway train. It’s hardcore. You need real muscles and real support.”

It comes as no surprise that Ms Spence has her own funeral planned, with plenty of happy memories to be left for her friends and family. 

“It will be an outdoor ceremony in a natural patch of bushland near me house, some artist friends are going to decorate it, there will be plenty of food for a long ceremony and anyone can write something to put in the coffin,” she said. 

“My life is complete there but my loved ones lives continue so I want them to take something special with them, I want them to think ‘that was beautiful’.”

Both events are open to everyone and will provide a safe, friendly environment. 

For more information on either event contact  04 1672 3893. Both events are entry by donation but booking is recommended. For Mortality Talking register here and for the film session on Tuesday 9 register here.